Watching from the other side

I’ve getting a little preview of how my family will react [when I finally do come out] over the Christmas break.

The news that one of my cousins is a lesbian and is living with her girlfriend in Australia was supposed to be hush-hush. It would appear that tongues have been wagging.

My uncle – Her Father isn’t talking to her… hasn’t been for a long time.

Her Mother – My Aunt is.

Talking to another cousin a few nights ago, she was telling me how her mother [another aunt] was asking about some photos of my cousin she saw on facebook.

“Is that her… Is that the girl she lives with?”

The uber-religious relatives have not been told; but then their opinions are fairly predictable anyway.

My Mum knows, she said she always thought my cousin was a little different.

The biggest surprise though was that my Dad knows, he emails and chats to my cousin all the time. According to my Mum, he sees himself as a bit of a surrogate father, after her own father stopped talking to her!

And yet, still I hesitate.

Those that matter most to me, have shown that they can be supportive of a gay in the family.

Watching from the other side though, I still get to hear the snide remarks; the disapproving comments; the crude jokes.  I don’t want them to say those things about me.

They probably say worse about me now behind my back, most of the comments that I’ve heard them make about my cousin, they wouldn’t say to her face; and they probably wouldn’t make them in front of me if they knew I was gay too.

It bothers me that they can be so two-faced.

I’d much rather someone said something [no matter how hurtful] to my face… it saves on confusion.

To be honest though – It shouldn’t matter. They accept it or they don’t. What they say behind my/her back is up to them and hasn’t really any effect whatsoever.

One thing’s for sure though… once one person in my family knows, it won’t take long for the word to spread.

I’m planning a trip to visit my cousin in the first half of next year. I guess I’ll tell her then.

Am I a just one step away from militant Atheism?

I’ve written about religion a good few times over the last few years of blogging. During that time, my own views have been developing.

I was chatting to an old school friend a few nights ago on MSN, and somehow the topic of religion came up… I think we were talking about another friend who found god when he feel in love with a religious girl.

I muttered (as best you can mutter on IM) something along the lines of “… Santa Claus for grown-ups…”

He seemed a little surprised at that description from me. Apparently while at school, he had the impression that I was very much into the god bothering (my words, not his); and that the last time we discussed similar things, I’d merely described myself as agnostic.

Ohh how the times have changed…

Standing outside St.Pauls yesterday, looking at the opulence of what is probably one of the most beautiful buildings in London, I was back on the same topic.

“It’s a beautiful building, but it reminds me of all the skin deep religious – those that use their obvious religion, and devotion to it, as a rod to beat everyone they consider less worthy with.”

After a little stunned silence… “Yeah, I’m a lapsed Catholic… but you take it to a whole other level”

Yes – I have a lot of venom stored specifically for the pious. It’s quite fun… I don’t mind offending their sensibilities.

I can’t wait to tell one of them that sodomy ain’t such a bad thing either.

I think I’d actually quite enjoy the opportunity to debate the subject – and hence the thought…

Am I just one step away from militant Atheism?

Who Knows!?!

Recently I’ve started to let go of the control that I’ve attempted to exert for so long.

I’m starting to feel a lot more relaxed about who I am, and indeed, who knows! In fact, I’ve got to the point where I don’t actually know who knows.

And it doesn’t bother me.

I still have that little bit of separation between my old life with my family, my work life, and my home life.

Some of you long term readers might even have noticed that I even posted a picture of myself here a couple of weeks ago. It’s not something that I ever thought I’d do, but it just seemed right at the time, and you know what… it’s yet another thing that doesn’t bother me.

It feels good to let go of the control and just see how things will pan out… I hadn’t realised just how much strain it was putting on me. I’m more relaxed, less of a closed book.

I even found myself dancing round a pole with a guy last weekend… not a pretty sight, but I just didn’t care.

I’m gradually building up to reducing the separation too. Eventually there will be just home life, and work life… I look forward to feeling this relaxed with a lot more people… soon.

It would be nice to visit my family this Christmas, and not have to face the usual barrage of questions…

Any girlfriends yet?

No… but meet Pablo.. he’s my special friend [lecherous wink]

In answer to the title of this post – Who Knows?

NOT BOTHERED  [with a few minor caveats]