It’s been a while

Dear All

It’s been a quite some time since I last wrote anything here.

I never really got my blogging mojo back with this blog, and I guess to be honest my heart hasn’t been in it for a while.

I started blogging [way back in the heady days of 2005] as a way of dealing with my issues, and finding other gay people to talk to.

I suceeded in that.

From being completely closeted in 2005, I’m now out to most of my friends (but not family), and have a good bunch of gay friends.

While I’m still single, I have had my moments over the last few months too; most memorably snogging a very sexy guy in the middle of a pretty busy street after a night out – I think that shows just how far I’ve come.

I’m a slut I know ;oP

So much has progressed over the last few months, stuff that should have been prime blog material; but I don’t want to write about personal stuff anymore.

It’s difficult to explain -

The things that I’m going through now are special to me, and writing about them feels like its taking away some of the shine.

I’m also becoming very jealous of my time. I’ve started writing again, and things are going quite well, but every time I think about writing a blog post I feel that I should be spending my time on my writing projects.

*

So from being a closeted social misfit, to finding my feet and standing up and starting to become the man that I want to be it’s been quite a journey; and I’m not at journey’s end yet.

But this is the end for my personal blog.

Thanks to everyone who commented and read this and my previous blog or emailed me. Your comments helped more than you can possibly imagine. I hope my inane ramblings even helped some of you on the same journey.

Love Always

Aaron

Amazonia

I have a little bit of an obsession that I would like to share with you today…

It’s a little bit pathetic really, but I love checking out the books that amazon recommends for me to read.

To enlighten those of you from planet Zog-Alpha, I’m not talking about the big area of trees around the equator in south America.

You may not have realised it but amazon analyses everything you buy, and uses your purchase and browsing history to make recommendations to you.

I don’t have much of a problem with this, it’s usually pretty good with it’s recommendations… Their suggestions program does seem to get a little obsessive sometimes though, and seems to promote certain topics above others.

This is the list of books that amazon currently recommends for me:

Cosmos
by Carl Sagan (Aug 11, 1983)
Average Customer Review: (14)
In stock

The Varieties of Scientific Experience: A Personal View of the Search for God
by Carl Sagan (Nov 2, 2006)
Average Customer Review: (3)
In stock

Portable Atheist: Essential Readings for the Non-Believer: Essential Readings for the Non-believer
by Christopher Hitchens (Nov 15, 2007)
Average Customer Review: (6)
In stock

Catch-22
by Joseph Heller (Oct 6, 1994)
Average Customer Review: (122)
In stock

The Catcher in the Rye
by J.D. Salinger (Aug 4, 1994)
Average Customer Review: (230)
In stock

Animal Farm: A Fairy Story (Penguin Modern Classics)
by George Orwell (Feb 24, 2000)
Average Customer Review: (46)
In stock

Breaking the Spell: Religion as a Natural Phenomenon
by Daniel C. Dennett (Mar 29, 2007)
Average Customer Review: (18)
In stock

Unweaving the Rainbow: Science, Delusion and the Appetite for Wonder
by Richard Dawkins (April 6, 2006)
Average Customer Review: (14)
In stock

God Is Not Great: The Case Against Religion
by Christopher Hitchens (Jun 10, 2007)
Average Customer Review: (67)
In stock

Stardust
by Neil Gaiman (Sep 19, 2005)
Average Customer Review: (55)
In stock

Jumper: Griffin’s Story
by Steven Gould (Feb 4, 2008)
Average Customer Review: (2)
In stock

Neverwhere: The Author’s Preferred Text
by Neil Gaiman (Sep 19, 2005)
Average Customer Review: (24)
Not in stock

How to be a Good Atheist
by Nick Harding (Oct 18, 2007)
Average Customer Review: (2)
In stock

The Selfish Gene
by Richard Dawkins (Mar 16, 2006)
Average Customer Review: (66)
In stock

The End of Faith: Religion, Terror, and the Future of Reason
by Sam Harris (Feb 6, 2006)
Average Customer Review: (53)
In stock

Anyone care to guess which one book seems to have influenced this list more than any other?

At least it’s dropped it’s last obsession… It seemed to get quite excited when it realised I was ordering gay themed books (not smutty stuff). Every book on this list then was gay lit then.

I do wish it would come up with something off the wall sometimes though, and actually make a suggestion based on the multiple books in various different categories that I read… rather than just going through a list of popular books from a theme.

I would love to see it suggest to me a novel about a gay athiest with hints of scifi/scifact, environmentalism and Travel… and best throw in some aliens for good measure too.

Position Vacant: Wingman

The prospect of having to travel internationally was one of the major factors I looked for in a job after I graduated from uni. I love travelling and visiting new places. I’ve done reasonably well so far in my travels having visited 22 countries around the world. I hope to make it 30 before I reach 30 (though quite how anyone will know, because I never intend to admit being thirty, I’m not quite sure).

The sad truth of it though is that travelling for work is not the same as travelling for pleasure. I get one day a week off here, and the rest of the time I’m working 11 hour days.

I’m staying in a pretty plush hotel, and everything is on expenses… I’ve developed a taste for Tanqueray & Tonic. I’m eating my dinner in a different posh restaurant every night too.

But it all gets pretty damn boring when you’re on your own, and there’s only so much posh restaurant food you can eat before you start craving something more normal.

As  much as I may think I’m quite happy with my own company, exploring a new place is always more fun when you do it with someone.

Take last night for example…

There’s a very big gay district in this city, (it’s called Chueca), and last night I decided to take myself to look around for a few hours with the intention of maybe having a couple of beers in one of the local gay bars.

Well, it would have been a lot of fun if I’d been here with a gay friend, but as a single guy walking around not speaking much of the local lingo,  I felt a bit out of it.

I have an pathological aversion to going to bars on my own, I just don’t quite know what to do with myself… do I stand at the bar and drink myself into a stupor talking to the barman… or walk around hitting on interesting looking guys… or do I wait and see if anyone comes over to talk to me? To put it bluntly, I just don’t do bars on my own – everyone needs a wingman…

Walking around Chueca was a new experience though…

There was a real party atmosphere to the place (it was a Saturday night after-all) and there were lots of people around. Lot’s of very pretty (and some not so pretty) gays.

But there was also a sleazier side…

According to my guide book, a lot of the bars had darkrooms…

Aside: A small confession – when I first heard of darkrooms a few years ago, I was surprised that they weren’t the same as the darkrooms I’d used at school for developing photos!

There were saunas, underwear shops & I think I saw clubs that cater for almost every flavour of gay there is!

Each time I saw another sign for a sauna, I couldn’t help but remember Bobby’s posts about what goes on inside and wondering whether they are the same the world over… but at the same time having no desire to go in an find out!

In the end, I didn’t go into any of them… Far too intimidating without a wingman.

And that friends is the worst part of travelling alone. I need to find me some new travel buddies for my next personal holiday… wherever that might take me.

Ohh and just for the hell of it… The ultimate homoerotic movie scene with lots of wingmen!

An embarrassing thing I did today.

I thought I’d have a cultural day today, so I took myself to an art gallery.

There was a picasso exhibition on at the time, and I was quite enjoying walking around looking at the various art works, and people watching too… (There’s no shortage of good looking guys here).

It was a free entry day at the gallery, so it was very busy and very noisy.

So when my phone rang I thought nothing of moving to the side of the room and answering it. (If it hadn’t already been noisy I wouldn’t have answered it)

But back to the story…

I answered the phone at the side of the room, and was pleased to hear a familiar voice having been wondering around on my own all weekend. I decided to chat for a moment a leaned against the wall behind me…

It seemed a little further away than I thought as I leaned back.

A split second later as I passed the point of no return, I realised that it wasn’t a wall…

It was in fact a fabric partition fixed at the roof and at the floor, and stretched tight thus looked like a wall.

I fell back… almost completely through it, and ended up in a heap on the floor of this gallery with what felt like everyone watching me.

I had to leave after that… I couldn’t bear to walk through the rest of the exhibition…

Ohh… and for a more blatant hint as to where I am…

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absence note

It’s just after midnight, and in a little over three hours a car will be arriving to take me to the airport.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this now, it’s been three weeks since I last wrote anything; and this post is really just to tell you it’s going to be at least another month probably before I post again.

Maybe I realise that if I didn’t post anything for two months, I’d loose the few people that do still read my inane ramblings.

Another thought (which I’m too tired to really think about right now, and really should be getting some sleep before my car gets here) does this post count as Irony?

Hmmm… Maybe not.

Until next time

Adiós muchachos x

That’s my monday nights sorted for the next few months

Skins returned to television screens across the UK tonight for the season premiere of series two. And what a triumphant return it was. Skins was my top pick of last years viewing, simply because it was the most original new series last year. This new series promises more of the same high quality viewing that had me enthralled week after week last year.

My favourite (and every other gay guy and straight girls favourite) Maxxie (played by Mitch Hewer) has deservedly an even more prominent role in this series than the last. I can’t wait to see how his story lines develop, and find out what is in store for Maxxie in this series. If the teasers at the end of this weeks episode are anything to go by, we should be in for a Maxxie treat next week too.

There is just a little irony though; it looks like in 3 weeks time I’ll be living abroad for a few months, missing the rest of the series…

(Unless I manage to find a sneaky download somewhere!)

Playing it Cool

It’s in no way confirmed.

The prospect however excites me more than I’d care to admit to my work colleagues.

I will however tell you all how I feel.

Inside I’m jumping up and down, doing backflips and singing happy tunes at the top of my voice.

Outward appearances are slightly different thought – Chilled, nonchalant, business-like.

I don’t want to get too built up about it before it’s actually confirmed.

So what the hell am I talking about?

Well there’s a high probability that I’ll be working in another European country with a much nicer climbate than the UK for a few months! Summer could start much earlier for me, and for a change I’m not being sent to the danger zone!

Everything that can possibly be crossed is crossed

I even allowed myself to scope out the scene there online tonight…

New Year Blues

The forecast snow didn’t arrive here in the south of England last night

I love snow, it makes me calm and happy.

I arrived back in England for New-years eve.

I got preposterously drunk, but from what I can remember I had a fantastic night on New years eve at a friends masquerade party… right up to the point where everything went black and hazy just after 3am.

I’d never experienced black and hazy before… I usually remain strangely lucid while drunk.

I don’t know whether to blame the Mojitos, the Pink Champagne, or the super strong vodka coke that followed when the rum ran out.

I have sworn off alcohol for the foreseeable future.

My hangover only really cleared last night.

I’ve decided to try living to a budget, rather than spending everything, so that I can possibly afford to buy my own place later this year.

I have some other resolutions too… but I’m not sharing them all.

Ohh… and to top things off; My Mum has just called to tell me they’re snowed in with over a foot of snow.

Damn… and still not a bloody snowflake here.

On that light and cheery note… Happy New Year Everyone!

Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock

Watching from the other side

I’ve getting a little preview of how my family will react [when I finally do come out] over the Christmas break.

The news that one of my cousins is a lesbian and is living with her girlfriend in Australia was supposed to be hush-hush. It would appear that tongues have been wagging.

My uncle – Her Father isn’t talking to her… hasn’t been for a long time.

Her Mother – My Aunt is.

Talking to another cousin a few nights ago, she was telling me how her mother [another aunt] was asking about some photos of my cousin she saw on facebook.

“Is that her… Is that the girl she lives with?”

The uber-religious relatives have not been told; but then their opinions are fairly predictable anyway.

My Mum knows, she said she always thought my cousin was a little different.

The biggest surprise though was that my Dad knows, he emails and chats to my cousin all the time. According to my Mum, he sees himself as a bit of a surrogate father, after her own father stopped talking to her!

And yet, still I hesitate.

Those that matter most to me, have shown that they can be supportive of a gay in the family.

Watching from the other side though, I still get to hear the snide remarks; the disapproving comments; the crude jokes.  I don’t want them to say those things about me.

They probably say worse about me now behind my back, most of the comments that I’ve heard them make about my cousin, they wouldn’t say to her face; and they probably wouldn’t make them in front of me if they knew I was gay too.

It bothers me that they can be so two-faced.

I’d much rather someone said something [no matter how hurtful] to my face… it saves on confusion.

To be honest though – It shouldn’t matter. They accept it or they don’t. What they say behind my/her back is up to them and hasn’t really any effect whatsoever.

One thing’s for sure though… once one person in my family knows, it won’t take long for the word to spread.

I’m planning a trip to visit my cousin in the first half of next year. I guess I’ll tell her then.

Am I a just one step away from militant Atheism?

I’ve written about religion a good few times over the last few years of blogging. During that time, my own views have been developing.

I was chatting to an old school friend a few nights ago on MSN, and somehow the topic of religion came up… I think we were talking about another friend who found god when he feel in love with a religious girl.

I muttered (as best you can mutter on IM) something along the lines of “… Santa Claus for grown-ups…”

He seemed a little surprised at that description from me. Apparently while at school, he had the impression that I was very much into the god bothering (my words, not his); and that the last time we discussed similar things, I’d merely described myself as agnostic.

Ohh how the times have changed…

Standing outside St.Pauls yesterday, looking at the opulence of what is probably one of the most beautiful buildings in London, I was back on the same topic.

“It’s a beautiful building, but it reminds me of all the skin deep religious – those that use their obvious religion, and devotion to it, as a rod to beat everyone they consider less worthy with.”

After a little stunned silence… “Yeah, I’m a lapsed Catholic… but you take it to a whole other level”

Yes – I have a lot of venom stored specifically for the pious. It’s quite fun… I don’t mind offending their sensibilities.

I can’t wait to tell one of them that sodomy ain’t such a bad thing either.

I think I’d actually quite enjoy the opportunity to debate the subject – and hence the thought…

Am I just one step away from militant Atheism?