Am I a just one step away from militant Atheism?

I’ve written about religion a good few times over the last few years of blogging. During that time, my own views have been developing.

I was chatting to an old school friend a few nights ago on MSN, and somehow the topic of religion came up… I think we were talking about another friend who found god when he feel in love with a religious girl.

I muttered (as best you can mutter on IM) something along the lines of “… Santa Claus for grown-ups…”

He seemed a little surprised at that description from me. Apparently while at school, he had the impression that I was very much into the god bothering (my words, not his); and that the last time we discussed similar things, I’d merely described myself as agnostic.

Ohh how the times have changed…

Standing outside St.Pauls yesterday, looking at the opulence of what is probably one of the most beautiful buildings in London, I was back on the same topic.

“It’s a beautiful building, but it reminds me of all the skin deep religious – those that use their obvious religion, and devotion to it, as a rod to beat everyone they consider less worthy with.”

After a little stunned silence… “Yeah, I’m a lapsed Catholic… but you take it to a whole other level”

Yes – I have a lot of venom stored specifically for the pious. It’s quite fun… I don’t mind offending their sensibilities.

I can’t wait to tell one of them that sodomy ain’t such a bad thing either.

I think I’d actually quite enjoy the opportunity to debate the subject – and hence the thought…

Am I just one step away from militant Atheism?

Who Knows!?!

Recently I’ve started to let go of the control that I’ve attempted to exert for so long.

I’m starting to feel a lot more relaxed about who I am, and indeed, who knows! In fact, I’ve got to the point where I don’t actually know who knows.

And it doesn’t bother me.

I still have that little bit of separation between my old life with my family, my work life, and my home life.

Some of you long term readers might even have noticed that I even posted a picture of myself here a couple of weeks ago. It’s not something that I ever thought I’d do, but it just seemed right at the time, and you know what… it’s yet another thing that doesn’t bother me.

It feels good to let go of the control and just see how things will pan out… I hadn’t realised just how much strain it was putting on me. I’m more relaxed, less of a closed book.

I even found myself dancing round a pole with a guy last weekend… not a pretty sight, but I just didn’t care.

I’m gradually building up to reducing the separation too. Eventually there will be just home life, and work life… I look forward to feeling this relaxed with a lot more people… soon.

It would be nice to visit my family this Christmas, and not have to face the usual barrage of questions…

Any girlfriends yet?

No… but meet Pablo.. he’s my special friend [lecherous wink]

In answer to the title of this post – Who Knows?

NOT BOTHERED  [with a few minor caveats]

A Quickie at Work

I’m all alone in the office this morning, so I thought I’d take advantage of that, be a bit naughty, and fire off a quick post…

What do you mean that wasn’t what you were expecting from the title?

Today for a change I have some positive things to write about! – I know… I’m looking out the office window for the flying pigs.

+ 1

Remember this post? – An Unceremonious Outing

I was out with my straight housemates/friends last weekend celebrating a birthday. I made my excuses about 11pm and dissappeared “To go and meet some other friends.” ie, I went to the local gay bar. (I’ll write a bit more about this in + 2).

The next day I was meeting up with one of the guys from the first group to go and fly some kites (power kites). After we got back from flying kites, we were sitting drinking coffee in the kitchen to warm up and he casually dropped into the conversation “had you a good time in ‘local gay bar’ after you left us last night?”

Totally casual and nonchalant!

I’m not sure when he found out, but he was at the halloween party…

It was just what I needed, a straight guy that really doesn’t give a shit if I’m gay or straight! Very much a confidence boost.

+ 2

Remember this post? – Flirt

The flirting was somewhat confirmed…

“If I wasn’t with #boyfriend# you’re exactly the kind of guy I’d go for…”

There isn’t a smiley that would adequitely show the grin that was plastered on my face when I heard that (see last post to get an idea).

I still don’t want it to go anywere… but it’s nice to know that even I can have the spidey senses at times!

That was two ego boosts in two days… made me feel better about myself!

I shouldn’t let it get to me…

It’s funny how the little things, and people you’ve never met can affect you.

A friend recently asked me if she could give my email address / mobile no, to a gay guy she knew. She sold it to me that he was looking for new friends. So I thought what the hell, and wrote them down for her to give to him.

He got in touch by text message two nights ago.

After a couple of texts he asked me to send a pic… so I did… and I haven’t heard anything from him since.

Now I know I’m not a good looking guy, but I thought the photo I sent at least wouldn’t scare him off. Maybe it was the manic grin (I was drunk when it was taken), maybe it was the tuft of grey hair.

What a bitch… and I don’t even know what he looked like.

I was thinking it would be nice to meet some new gay friends, particularly one recommended by a friend. He’s blown that chance now. And with that chance, destroyed a little bit of my belief in the fundamental good in everyone.

But you know what… I don’t even want to know someone who’d judge me solely on looks.

There is so much more to me, and to life.

Worthless

It’s Sunday night, almost 11pm. Back to the daily grind tomorrow. I’ve spent a good porion of the weekend muling over some things that have happened over the last few weeks.

–

I’ve never pulled a sickie before. In the eleven years that I’ve been working (4 full time), I have had a grand total of two days sick leave. On each occasion, I was genuinely ill. It would be completely out of character for me to just skip a day.

I sometimes enjoy my job, I worked damn hard to get into my career, and the prospects are excellent…

A few things that have happened over the last few weeks have been troubling me though, and I’m really now seriously considering whether I need a change of tack.

It all boils down to my boss. He’s in his 60’s and quite old fashioned. He’s quite un-PC (which I don’t normally see as a bad thing), will tell some mild sexist jokes, and his opinions of women in the workplace don’t seem to have changed since the 60’s. He’s also fiercely anti-racist.

He is however homophobic.

Some of his comments this week (none directed at me) have left me feeling pretty much utterly worthless.

I don’t remember his exact words but -

“These bloody queers seem to be everywhere…”

“It seems to be becoming the norm…”

“Poofs…”

“Queers…”

“I didn’t think we had those sorts in [career]“

I can’t go on listening to him, saying nothing, for much longer. I’m sure he wouldn’t make these comments in front of someone he knew to be gay; but I’m equally certain that A) if he knew I was gay wouldn’t have hired me in the first instance. B) If he found out I was gay, would find a reason to fire me.

So I’m basically left in a position where I feel really pretty worthless.

I don’t know what’s more frustrating… him saying things, or me sitting at my desk saying nothing.

I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I’m almost getting to a point where I would consider taking a sick day. I think however that would take me down a path I don’t want… so for the meantime I’m resisting.

I am an underwear snob

I’m very fussy about underwear.

I have another related confession.

I will judge you by your choice of underwear.

Briefs are almost always out; thongs a complete waste of time; boxer shorts are acceptable (unless printed with cartoon characters or ‘cute’ slogans); boxer briefs are preferred, particularly hipster style with lycra – I’ll even let you choose the colour (but if it’s white, make sure they are white and not slightly tinged with grey from washing).

If you are in doubt, commando is best.

–

*This post was inspired by a housemate who wears the most hideous underwear I’ve ever seen, and insists on walking around the house in the mornings wearing just his underwear (strange coloured briefs)… yeuch!

**I suspect I may not be alone in this underwear snobbery.

An Unceremonious Outing

It’s the mornig after the night before.

Last night was our annual Halloween party, and I decided to mix groups of friends, and negleted to set ground rules for those that know.

Now, most of my friends are also my housemates friends, meaning that I don’t usually have to invite anyone to our partys. It’s a consequence of having only lived in this town for about a year and a half. I decided, for a change, to invite some of my friends from outside this social circle; inviting my good friend Stuart who brought along his buddy Dan.

There were around 30 people all crammed into our house, and there was A LOT of alcohol involved.

And where alcohol is involved the normal social reserves fade.

Everyone was having a fabulous time, it was only halfway through the night that I made the discovery that some of the people who knew, didn’t realise it was privileged information. As the night progressed and the alcohol flowed everyone was mixing and having fun.

Ladies of a certain type became flirty with the obvious, and not so obvious gay guys, and one of the gay guys (not me and not Stuart) started to flirt with the straight boys; which was hilarious to start with… but two guys in particular got a lot of ‘attention’ and started to feel a little uncomfortable.

Those breeders don’t seem to appreciate the stroking and petting…

As everyone realised that I’d brought the gays to the party, you could see pennies dropping all around.

It wasn’t planned, but I think I manged to out myself to pretty much everyone there last night.

I’m not sure how I feel about that, except glad that I didn’t invite my work colleagues!  Now to head downstairs and face the mess, the mass of bodies sprawled on all available areas recovering from last nights excesses… and the inevitable questions “just to confirm”. Maybe everyone will have forgotten through the excesses of alcohol… It’s going to be weird seeing everyone ‘the morning after’.

Not how I’d have planned it, but the secret is out to significantly more people now. I no longer know who knows, and who doesn’t.

One funny moment has stuck in my mind though… A sober Stuart (he was driving again) poking a Pumpkin lantern in the eye socket with a bloodstained mini cricket-bat; repeating the words “Skull fuck!” over and over… not realising one of the breeder boys was watching him with a peculiar expression on his face, until the last minute.

28 & ?? – Oh Stuff it…

Twenty-eight years, and… Oh who gives a fu*k how many days

I was reminded of something while writing my last post, that I’ve never really blogged about before.

Namely, that it’s been a long LONG time since I’ve had any physical contact with anyone.

28 & 3 – Flirt

Twenty-eight years and three days.

28 & 1 – Am I going to fret like this every year?

Twenty-eight years and one day.